The concept of “self-compassion” is getting much attention at present in the world of psychology. Self-compassion refers to adopting a kind, non-judgemental, accepting attitude toward oneself and one’s problems. In contrast, low self-compassion is associated with self-criticism and rumination (the tendency to get stuck in cycles of over-analysis and worry). These are two primary contributors to anxiety and depression, and other mental health issues.
In fact, the research shows that self-compassion can buffer against anxiety and depression, increase our resilience to stress and even improve our feelings of happiness, optimism and conscientiousness. Hence, it’s imperative that if you want to lead a happier life, you must practice self-compassion. How can you learn to adopt a more compassionate attitude toward yourself? Below are five ideas.
1. Accept your weaknesses
Adopting greater self-compassion means being able to recognise your weakness and vulnerabilities, and feel compassionate toward those misgivings rather than berating yourself for having them. Got huge thighs? So what, at least you have a cute nose! Have a poor memory? OK, annoying at times but at least you have a big heart. After all, what does berating yourself really do anyway? It doesn’t change a weakness; in fact it just gives it more power. Instead, choose to feel compassion for yourself for your vulnerabilities.
2. Reappraise mistakes
Perfectionism is the arch-nemesis of self-compassion. Many people struggling with stress, anxiety and depression set themselves (and often others) unrealistic expectations that they can never live up to. Each small mistake or mishap is interpreted as a sign of their failure as a human being, and leads to an onslaught of self-beatings. Sure, it’s important to face your mistakes to learn what to do differently in the future but adding self-beatings adds no value other than to make you unhappy. From now on when you make a mistake, smile, and say something kind to yourself.
3. Embrace your feelings
Most of us don’t like “negative” feelings; anger, sadness, guilt, anxiety, depression so we fight with those feelings deeming them bad and undesirable. Yet negative feelings such as these are a normal part of being human. They make us neither good nor bad, they are mere transitory experiences. Yet when we resist our negative feelings and criticise ourselves for feeling them, we add fuel to the emotion making us feel even worse about ourselves. All of a sudden we feel angry about our anxiety, or disappointed about our depression. Double whammy of bad feelings is the result! The answer is not to wallow with enjoyment in your misery, but to observe these emotions as you would a good friend who is feeling down – reach out with kind words, a listening ear and a big hug – and you will feel so much better than if you get in the boxing ring with your bad feelings.
4. Visualise a compassionate self
A great way to practice self-compassion is through your imagination. Think of someone you know who is quite a compassionate person; be it a friend, teacher, or some legendary figure like Ghandi. Imagine meeting this person on a beautiful day by the ocean and expressing your concerns. How would this person respond in a compassionate manner? What would they say to you? How would they act? Now visualise adopting this same compassionate approach to yourself. What would it look like? Feel like? Each time you feel down, have a bad day or feel particularly self-critical take a few deep breaths while you imagine a compassionate scene like this one.
5. Understand mindfulness
As well as a regular practice you can adopt to clear the mind and become more present in life, mindfulness is a way of living in each moment. It involves acceptance of everything that is here in the now; choosing to allow and embrace what already is rather than judge it or resist it or wish it were different. There is a strong link between mindfulness and self-compassion. In fact, the research that has investigated the benefits of mindfulness based psychology techniques tends to suggest that one of the ways it has such a positive impact on wellbeing and reducing mental health issues is via increasing self-compassion. So adopt a daily practice of mindfulness, and also read a good book or listen to a seminar on the concept of mindfulness as a whole. There is an evidence based approach that psychologists now use called “Mindfulness Based Stress reduction” and “Mindfulness Based Cognitive Therapy” that may also be worth exploring.
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